As I’m sure you all know by now Joe and I have been heavily affected by the immigration blues (for the people reading this who know us). When you live as an immigrant (not an expat - let’s not have different words with nicer connotations for the same thing) who is not wealthy and cannot buy your way into certain privileges, you live in a constant state of flux. The ebb and flow of application after application, proof of residence and not seeing the people you have small and large connections with; your lives become a folder of paperwork. You are no longer human, you have effectively been dehumanised.

P.S. Calling them blues is 100% an understatement here.

Previously I made an application to remain in the UK with my mother. It’s also worth mentioning that my family heritage is English (which I am not really proud of). My grandmother’s parents are full blown pipe-smoking, handlebar-moustache English. Not that I think this is at all a qualifier for special treatment, I'm just highlighting the absurdity of all of this. In fact, considering the history and colonial link to the migration of white Europeans this is actually something that is sickening to admit; especially in this context.

Everyone reassured us: “they have to approve you staying here, you have your only parent here; you have family in the UK!” again not that I think having family there entitles you. You should be able to move freely wherever you like regardless of those conditions but this was just my specific situation and this is what people said. Unfortunately, coming from a low-income family we were victims of the predatory nature of UK solicitors and immigration lawyers. There is no manual on how to do these things and there are a lot of damning things that go unsaid. We had no idea that just filling out the form for the application (heck probably even just thinking about filling out the form) then attached a mean, dark mark on my UKBA profile that would follow us until I died or until my previous citizenship died.

Before Brexit we found a loophole. A loophole not free of stress, fear and anxiety. We were only allowed into the UK together with a marriage certificate. Even just exercising this loophole meant we were often denied entry onto a flight or I was held in what I would now qualify as my home away from home: immigration holding cells in airports which Joe was never allowed into because he is UK-born and a UK passport holder. The cells were reserved only for me, I was immigrant VIP. We have absolutely zero sentiment toward marriage and left to our own devices we would be happily unmarried but together for as long as we like. But we were backed into a corner. After we signed some papers (and were forced into a small marital ceremony since a lot of people seemed to think marriage was a big deal and would not let us solely sign the papers without the ceremony) we enjoyed visiting the UK to see family and friends two or three times in the space of 3 years or so. And by family here I mean primarily our mothers, both somewhat single parents with one kid each respectively. 

After Brexit (queue loud sigh) I would only be allowed into the UK after completing a visa application form, and so we did. We completed the form. Offered all the required paperwork as evidence of our life in Berlin and evidence of us willingly wanting to leave the UK after a short stint seeing friends and family. We told them everything. Absolutely everything. We told them we both have parents in the UK, we are married, we live and work together and have our livelihoods in Berlin which is now our home, we have enough money collectively to, if we really wanted to (which we really don’t want to) apply for a spousal visa to reside in the UK together. We even told them that we had visited before Brexit and left of our own accord to let them know: “See we really really don’t want to live in the UK we just want to see our family and friends and then go home”. You might be surprised to hear that I have no criminal record and generally Joe and I are cool peeps I think (I hope). I don't think a criminal record should bar you from entering anywhere either, as we all know the criminal justice system is a flawed entity created to protect the wealthy with horrible agenda behind everything they do.

Their response was this: they tried to call me to know how I got into the UK before Brexit without applying for a visa and since I did not answer their call this was a black mark on my credibility (we explained how we visited before Brexit in the application and they did not call, I did not receive one missed call from them); if I tried to apply for another visa they would flat out deny it every time (they explicitly said this - to make sure I do not apply again). They also let us know that it was not permitted for us to appeal their decision, so ultimately if they made a mistake, which they did - it doesn’t matter, we have no one to tell. If we feel like this breaches our human rights - no way for us to let anyone know. We are sufficiently silenced.

Trapped in, by definition, a freaking Kafkaesque situation: we can afford to apply for the spousal visa - it will cost a lot of money and stress over years and years and we would have to live in the UK - we don’t want to live there (we both have grown to intensely dislike the status anxiety, elitism, politics and xenophobia that we now associate with London). We have literally made the active choice to not live there (with proof that this is in fact a choice!) and yet I am refused entry because the UKBA are adamant that I want to overstay a visa and live there illegally.

Living in a place illegally is not an easy route. It breeds a very scary set of situations where the truly vulnerable are at the mercy of people willing and able to take advantage of them. They are no longer protected by those human rights we take for granted. During Operation Nexus the UKBA scoured the streets of London at night looking for homeless immigrants, not to support them in any way but to deport them. They added those people to their quota for how many they managed to deport. This is recent history, it happened in 2017. It is 100% not an easy life to live in a country without residence and most of the time people are not doing it by choice. And even if they are doing it by choice - what the hell is the issue here? There are so many studies showing how immigration uplifts an economy. Obviously making something illegal is the worst solve for most situations, but making human beings illegal is completely monstrous.

Over the years, to be completely honest, people have reacted in unexpected ways to this story. I’ve had friends make light-hearted Xenophobic leaning jokes; I’m all for comedy and laughter as a way of processing difficult things but these jokes have been mostly at my expense and really hit different when you feel trapped in this situation. There’s been a lot of “Surely there is someone you can talk to and explain the situation to?” and the occasional and terrifying “I know a guy who can get you in” and the truly sad “well it’s the illegal ones making it difficult for you ‘entitled’ ones”.

This whole predicament feels unreal. We’ve had lengthy conversations about this. Is it a part of exceptionalism? Keeping the UK bloodline pure (so gross) - discouraging the intermingling between nationalities? All possibilities including the obvious - using immigration as a money making hell hole that only the elite can afford comfortably. We’re not even mentioning the “feeling” of being an immigrant. A “feeling” that we experience which is a fraction compared to some others like those persecuted because of their gender, sexuality and race. There are hierarchies of the “desirable” within immigration which are a part of all the racisms and prejudice. I know, I know - you think we’re overthinking this. Over analysing this. Are we though? The history behind xenophobia is jaw-dropping. 

I am one of those most private people, a people who you had no idea was doing whatever. I tell no one. I’ve done this because of my own deeper issues. A while back I thought it was better people know and so I told everyone everything (sorry if you were an ear during this phase). A lot of my friends and the people I know weirdly will never come into contact with a situation like this - so I feel like I should openly talk about this more often. If you want to know more about it please ask us. Whatever you think you know about immigration - I promise the reality is on another level.

These books informed this bit of writing.